Ask Ms. Vicki: Sexless for a Year

Dear Ms. Vicki,

When we got married four years ago, my husband was deployed to Afghanistan. He had already traveled to Iraq twice. He was the sweetest person in the world.

But when my husband got back home the next time, he was a totally different person. He played games all the time and shouted at me for no reason.

I wanted us to get counseling, but he refused. We were almost sexless for a year even though I desperately wanted to have a baby.

It seemed like things got better as time went by. I tried to accept everything about him. But when he went away to school the next summer, I found out he was trying to meet other girls out there.

He also exchanged very disgusting messages with one of his gamers. She was a soldier too. He never apologized to me. Worst of all, he seems to have got another weird habit very recently. I am more worried about this new behavior.

I am a foreign-born spouse and don't know where I should go to get advice. I am sorry that I didn't reveal my name; I just hope to remain anonymous.

-- Seeking Help

Dear Seeking,

I can totally understand how you would be upset by all of this. Don't worry about staying anonymous. Everyone who writes to me wants anonymity. Names are never used and, when they are used, they have been changed for privacy.

It sounds like a lot is going on and it has happened in a short amount of time, given the length of your marriage.

From your report, I would say that you are losing your emotional connection with your husband. He is busy doing other things instead of cultivating his relationship and intimacy with you.

I am also concerned that you mentioned a lot of shouting at you for no reason and that you are trying to accept everything about him. You also said that he has another "weird habit" recently. You didn't say what weird habit, but it has me concerned.

You don't have to live in silence. This may be even more frightening for you because you are from a different country, but there is a lot of support for you in the military community.

I think you should visit with Army Community Service (ACS). They will be a lot of support for you. You can speak to a victim's advocate for support and guidance and ask if the local ACS still sponsors the International Wives Club.

This is important because you will be able to connect with people you could have a lot in common with. Even if your husband doesn't want to speak to a counselor or therapist, I think you should still see one.

The therapist or counselor will also be able to provide much insight and support for you. Please keep in touch with me and let me know how you are doing.

-- Ms. Vicki

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